Thursday, July 16, 2009

She would never settle for being his mistress. Like Tom, she was discontent with her marriage, but she was already second fiddle in her own marriage. Why would she want to be number two to Tom's wife? She was not that emotionally needy.

Right now was not the time to think of that anyway. Like most men she knew, she was able to put aside her emotional needs in order to focus on getting a job done. She had a mission - to tell others about what had happened to her, and hope that people who were in a position would stop it. Do they not realize that this pocket of power was growing into something bigger?

"Oh, god," she complained out loud. Her lover was already talking about hotels and hot tubs. One track mind. While she did thoroughly enjoy letting herself go, that was far from the most important thing she had to think about. We are wearing non-traditional emotional and mental clothing, she thought. We've reversed roles. Typically, the man is the one who can cut his losses and get on with his life, and the woman was the one who had trouble deciding between her spouse and her lover. Tom had asked her many times to never stop talking, whatever happened. She didn't want to stop talking, but she wasn't about to walk down this road again. If that meant Tom would not help her, then that was a risk she was willing to take.

Staying with her husband might not be the best option in the long run. However, making herself homeless would probably mean the end of her mission. How would she have time to try to change anything if she were working to not starve? Besides, Bill was trying. He still tried her patience, too. Ha! she laughed to herself. He is like a child. I am trying to build myself up, and he expects me to build him up, too. The old feelings, positive and negative, were coming back, albeit slowly. Like a sand castle, he washes everything away like 'that' for trying to control a situation by any means necessary, just to feel in control. He is a lot of work. Draining.

Doing without a relationship was preferable to being in one that was unfulfilling. There were plenty of other ways to spend her time. Embarrassing the hell out of the ceo and board was one of those ways. Things are too far gone to go back, she concluded, so I might as well try to stop them from amassing more power. The only way to do that is to let everyone know what they're up to. So others won't be deceived. There are still a lot of decent people in power who can put a stop to this mess.

Would they ever stop treating me like a typical woman? She knew that most of them had given themselves away to her, had given her far too many clues, because they did not take her seriously. She had the uncanny ability to think like a man and like a woman. That is why she always surprised them. Even after they learned to read her, many of them were still too macho in their thinking to accept that she was outmaneuvering them. The fact was, more than they did, she thought with her head and not with her heart or her libido. They probably still wanted for her to think 'like a woman.'

Don't know how far this is going to go. She let out a breathy half laugh and smiled to herself. Some of them realize the situation, she had figured out that much. And some of them have a warped sense of humor like mine. Only, in stereotypical guy fashion, they had thought it was a joke at some critical moments.

Tom, oh, Tom,
her head falling back onto her chair, Do you know how bad you made me look just because you wanted to brag? Dumbass. How is it that you don't know me after all these years? She had learned a lot about Tom during all of this. He did not know her as well as he should have. That realization was a huge disappointment. She had carried a torch for him for so many years. To waste any more of her time even hoping for the relationship she thought they could have, that would not be smart. Would not make sense.

Bill. He had also been the typical 'woman' all the years of their marriage, seeking external fulfillment wherever he could get it. Leaving her to fill herself. She had at least been faithful, even saying 'goodbye' to Tom when she and Bill began dating. Until Bill's games were too much for her any longer. There has to be a balance that is fair for both of us.

She still did not know whether to be hurt or understanding that he had not sought other methods to enlighten her to his way of thinking. Bill would never have the fortitude that she possessed. It was so difficult for her to empathize with people who seemed to lack heart or will, yet she knew that those were the ones who needed someone like herself to show them the way.

For some reason, Bill had given up trying to help her understand him. Though she could not think of a specific example off the top of her head, she was sure that he had tried, at least early on. He did love her, and he did say, while visiting her in the hospital, that her being able to finally understand him was what he had always wanted. So, he did want the communication to be there, but he did not know how to make that happen. And he gave up. He gave up on so many things. Still gives up easily. I have to drag him along. And pick myself up by my boot straps.

Emotional fulfillment. Not the most important thing, Tom. Stopping the bad guys.

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