She felt like a virgin. Bill and she had sex when she came home, but Bill had always had trouble maintaining eye contact. The deeper spiritual connection she craved was lacking. Though she seemed "loose" to some who only knew about the pictures that she never meant to be public, she was, in reality, extremely selective about who she slept with. Since she first communicated with anyone online, she had received several offers but accepted none. In ten years, she had been with only Bill, until she and Tom hooked back up a few months ago.
The time they spent together relaxed her. She never had to work hard at all communicating with him. And she trusted him with her life. Tom must have thought that his persuasive abilities led her to be with him. He could not have been more wrong. Her love for him had hardly waned over the years, in some ways growing deeper. The belief that a love lasting as long as theirs was meant to be, that is what moved her. Mistaken. The love flowed in one direction. Sure, he cared, but not like she had.
Bill did drive four hours round trip to see her for a single hour five days in a row, and he drove again a sixth day, her seventh, to carry her home. His commitment went up and down like a roller coaster, but she still hoped things would be different. Nothing was at first. Then she thought she might meet Fred for lunch. Knowing this drove Bill crazy with jealousy, and he did make some changes, tried to show her more affection. His inability, or fear, to make a spiritual connection while they were intimate was a problem that she was not getting over though. She wanted to be, in a sexual way, with someone whose eyes knew what she now knew.
Some years before, she had been in a relationship with Kurt, a computer tech guy. Kind of nerdy, but sweet. What had attracted her to him was the 'good guy' inside, the one he tried to hide from everyone, covered it with his macho facade. The tough guy image she overlooked was the side of him that made her decide to break things off - and he fooled around a lot. But when they were together, they were the only beings on the planet. He had asked her to have blind faith in him. She knew better. But their spiritual connection had been very strong, despite the fact she was in the dark.
Before her experience, her new awareness, she attributed her ability to connect with others to something within herself that she did not know how to explain. That ability had been the underlying factor in her quest for a spiritual partner. Bill was spiritually interested in her in the beginning, but he could not bring that spirituality to the bedroom. She was certain that he was interested in her now, but for some reason, he was having trouble with fully committing himself to her, and not just in bed. He was not completely committed to protecting her either. His lack of commitment was an emptiness inside her.
To be with someone who would open up, share spiritual space with her, was something that she had never had. She had come close to that, but could not completely connect as she had been unable for her lack of awareness. Until that happened, she would, in her mind, remain a virgin. There was no hurry, though, for her to rush to lose her new found state. She rather liked the feeling that she had something now that no one had ever seen, had ever known, and no one could take it from her. She felt something she hadn't felt in a very long time. She felt special.