Monday, May 4, 2009
I know there is a place in your heart
that you try to fill.
It always leaks.
You use the right fuel but run dry.
You forgot to fix the hole.
There is a tiny, little hole right there
in the back,
down toward the bottom.
Yes, there. Do you see it?
The heart will not accept a regular
discount pharmacy patch.
You need a specialist.
Someone who has studied,
even experienced, and understands
what it means to have such an injury.
Someone who knows what it takes
to heal it
That someone is you.
You are the only one who can look inside
unbiased, if you dare, and face the true cause
of the whole in your heart.
You are the only one who really knows
what you need,
what you want.
If god knows, he/she will not tell you.
Otherwise, he/she would tell us all everything.
No. God gave you a brain to figure out life.
God gave you courage to face truth.
God gave you everything.
Whether or not you use everything
your god gave you
is up to you.
My staying has to do with you,
but has nothing to do with you.
Why do you think I fought so hard?
Why do you think I stopped?
I wanted answers.
I do not care much for the answers I got.
But there is no refund, no exchange.
It is what it is.
Running will not change them.
Fighting will not make them less than they already are.
For so long,
I have collected caterpillars and butterflies.
They are not my prisoners, but free.
I capture only their images.
In January, I was struck with an odd fascination,
mesmerized by their beauty,
as if I'd never before seen a caterpillar
or a butterfly.
They turned out to be glowworms and moths,
dangerous ones at that.
Not knowing whether I had accidentally ingested one
or contracted some strange microbes,
I felt the urgency to begin recording observations
and making copies to file in different places
lest my body be found decomposing somewhere
with mysterious bacteria inside.
The more I observed, using all five senses as well as
my sixth sense,
the more I learned about these deadly creatures.
More than a few times, I thought I had been fatally bitten,
but my recovery was much faster than I anticipated,
For four months I struggled, battle after battle.
These bugs are impossible to kill, but I failed to find even netting of decent quality to protect myself from their minute but menacing teeth.
I could not run as they were in my house, my car, even in my office.
So I had to deal with them.
For four whole months.
The little bugs had been there all along,
but I had, in January, begun to wear a new perfume
that attracted them terribly to me.
I had spent all that time missing that obvious clue,
spent hours upon hours collecting information,
organizing it so that it made sense to others for whom it might be of use.
The information may be of use after all one day
if they cannot learn to curb their desire for my perfume.
I would have to let the scientists have all of my paperwork, run some tests, experiment a bit.
My perfume is my favorite now.
I love it and plan to wear it for a very long time.