Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A pound of flesh.
One for each year we have loved.
One for each year since my betrayal broke you.
One for each year that you could never give me safe harbor.
One pound of healthy, love-starved flesh.
And then some.

Trying like hell to hate you.
Replayed wordimages hit with dull thuds.
Push rewind.
Hear the sincerity I felt.

Your eyes.
Fear of opening not just your pride,
Your need to feel love with certainty.
Without ties.
Without the pain.

A pound of flesh and a few more for good measure.

Trying to hate you.

Reading the words.
Watching your lips.
Only your eyes ever spoke to me.

I missed your fear.
I overlooked your fear.
Fear of consequences.
Ignored your guilt. Knew it...

Goddamn! How can I hate you-- I wish I knew!
How can I ever trust you?

Answer, can you answer this?
Have I ever, in 38 years, have I ever,
has there ever,
have I ever had someone,
has there ever been someone,
One person on this planet who I can trust to never hurt me?


I gave them life.

And this one person I have never had,
They know. They have her.
She is me.

I have never had it.
But I can give it.
Who else do you know like that?

Always second, third, or someone else further down the line.
I have never been anyone's number one.

Do you still wonder why I fight so hard for myself?

Did not expect you to drop everything just for me.
Who would?
Why would anyone start now?

Never expected to defend myself from you.

A pound of flesh for your agony,
for your anguish,
Became my nightmare.
You took revenge on me,
all the while comforting,
wrapping me in warmth,
All the while driving a cold stake through each unmarred area of bone
That you could find.
And then you told me that you love me.

You love me.

I wish I could hate you.
I wish I wanted to take revenge on you.
I wish I did not still want you.
That I did not love you.

If you do not claim me now, I will make you miserable without meaning to.
My living will be your misery.
Having the most fun I've had in ages.
Making the most of what remains my youth.
My sexuality.
All the love and care I have to give.
All the laughter I still have left.

I will not wait for you.
Not after this.

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