How I Solve Problems

I do not like to talk about myself in the way I am about to, but I feel the need to share a few words that are not just about me. Many people think they know me, know "my type." Very few people truly understand how I function. That word 'function' can have several different meanings, lol, but I am going to focus on how I handle problems.

Introspective and reflective in nature, I try to get a sense of the forest first and then wrap my brain around the trees. Depending on the problem, this can take some time. I am also very analytical, and I spend probably too much time thinking about, oh, everything. Adept at appearing to listen while thinking of something else, I can also, when necessary, listen to someone enough to offer a general response and continue to think about what I prefer to consider. My attention deficit is an advantage in this way. One thing I have always done, will always do - and this just comes naturally - is to subconsciously 'stir the pot' when I am not thinking or when I am even purposefully contemplating other things. I am a thinker.

Besides evaluating my problems, I evaluate my role in my problems. The ability to objectively and honestly self-evaluate is crucial to finding the most effective method to solve my problems. Recently, I performed a significant error. Instead of attempting to deny or cover up my error, I closely examined my mistake, my consequences, and knew that I could accept the truth of my misstep. Not having to worry about my culpability left my strength, my sensibilities free to get a grip on my problem and determine the best way to solve it.

I have gotten to know myself rather well in my adult life. When I became a mother, I was resolved to be nothing like my own mother who never wanted to accept responsibility for her actions. To this day, she has someone to blame for every offense she has ever committed. The years of self-examination led me to become a pretty cool human being, though not perfect. Realization of my own imperfection is my daily motivation to strive for self-improvement. Never professing christianity for lack of fundamental beliefs, JC's message of self-improvement, like Buddhism and other similar belief systems, this is one I value above most others.

As I related in the beginning of this piece, very few people know me well enough to understand how I tackle the obstacles that come my way. I am afraid of little. And when I do fear, I either ignore the feeling, or I use the feeling to inspire myself. Never one to back down from injustice, I would risk everything including my own life if the only alternative were to lose part of my soul. Btw, the phrase "to lose part of my soul" came from the man in the park. A few nights ago, he and I discussed what that meant.

The people who know me that well, who know how tough, how resilient and resourceful I am, also know how much I care for my friends, how loyal I am. And how forgiving. In my life, I have suffered a great deal and somehow managed to have relationships with people who hurt me. The best example I can give is my relationship with my mother. She is the "priestess, whoring traitor" in The Traveler and His Temple, A Fairy Tale. Yes, I have a relationship with my mother - on my terms. I have not forgotten. The pain, the scars remain. But I let go of the fight. She will never admit, offer a genuine regret, although she has come close. For my dad, my siblings, our children, I let it all go. For my sanity, my dignity, the relationship is on my terms.

When any humans are variables in my problems, but especially people I love, my conscience weighs those variables. My personal sacrifice is my soul's gain though it may appear a loss to those who do not know, do not understand me. I cannot focus on what those people think anymore than I could focus on what they might care were they to see me completely naked, humiliated before the entire world. This is not eternity. Very few people knew that, understood that about me. Perhaps a few more do now.