A baptismal of tears
did not absolve me
of loving you.

I vowed to love another,
promised myself
I would not love you.

Broken vows,
broken oaths,
broken hearts.

The loudest scream
never heard
was when I screamed
for you,
Alone in my shower,
tears and chlorine
dancing as swans,
necks twisted
together,
to the black abyss
at my feet.
My scream was so
loud, long, tortured
that no sound
left my throat.
My body will not make
that sound,
but I heard myself in my head;
it was all I could hear,
could feel.
Body pulled into a knot,
Feeling everything,
Feeling nothing
but loss.
For nearly half an hour
I screamed.
No one listening.
You never knew,
you don't know
that every time you love me,
that I love you,
I die.