Some people wanted to be her friend but didn’t know how. She knew more about how they thought than they knew about how she thought. Or so she thought.
Anyway, not thrilled at the idea of opening her chest cavity just so everyone who wanted to could throw more daggers, she decided to believe that maybe they, like her, had learned some things about life.
Actually, she changed her mind. But then she realized that some of them had tried to call her. She had taken her phone off the hook. They pissed her off by telling her to mind her own business – after they had nose-dived into hers.
Still, they seemed to be willing to meet her half way. There were some things that they needed to know. Life did not wait for her to catch up. It left her behind, waited for nearly 40 years, and then viciously grabbed her and did not let go.
She decided to tell them stories.
Imagine a boy who always made good grades but never quite fit in. He had a quirky sense of humor, but he got laughed at for not getting jokes. His joke comprehension did improve over the years. Slightly.
He remembered nearly every conversation, every gesture and facial expression, even knowing glances and exchanges between other people right in front of him. No one thought anything would come of his ability.
One day, he made a mistake. Some people were going to ruin his life. Fine. He would take them down with him. He did not know there was a joke.
By the time he figured out the joke, everyone and everything had gotten out of hand, even him. When he realized that he could understand when they spoke, every file began falling from the ceiling in his head. A raining jigsaw puzzle crashed like boulders that dropped with a cloud of debris just below an invisible surface, piecing itself together, not on the floor but in a plane that sloped in one direction but really in another direction. And then it made a sphere with all the pieces strung together inside.
And then it exploded.
He had to figure out which parts of the puzzle were actual pieces and throw out the junk that his closest friends and relatives had tossed in.
He still has trouble with jokes. And he still has his ability to remember stuff. And he knows the difference between real friends joking and fake friends joking. Sometimes. So he hoped his real friends would not leave him hanging ever again.
There was this teenage girl. Everyone liked her. They thought she was cool. She thought everyone else was cool. She did not realize that her matter of fact statements sometimes sounded like put downs. That cost her some friends.
A daisy grew by the sidewalk. She loved the glorious rose bushes, but they hated her. They did not see that the gardener paid them all his attention. He always walked past the daisy without a glance.
Once there was a nearly 40 year-old ostrich who, except for the existence of a few assholes in the world, thought that life was even odder and more hysterical than she had known. She pulled her head out of the earth, shook off the dirt, and ran to shake her tail feathers with the rest of the bootiful birds.
There once was a truly weird chick
Whose friends played a truly dumb trick
They all showed their ass (the chick, too)
None of their class
But the swine flu did not make them sick
Once there was a group of lady co-workers who thought a jewel thief was on the loose. They got together and decided that it must be the woman who never wore jewelry. Since she did not have any, she must want theirs. When they realized she meant to purchase her own ring, they all had a big laugh. She, on one hand, was glad that she would not have to get a manicure just so her hands would look good enough for such expensive jewelry. They, on the other hand, didn’t know who should be more embarrassed: themselves for making such a fuss, or her for not having the world’s most beautiful hands. After a couple of margaritas away from work, none of them cared.
A young man, 21, decided to find his father who he had not seen for 15 years. He had seen the name of his father’s birthplace on the hospital certificate. He got lucky. The operator gave him the number of his father’s only relative who still lived there.
For seventeen years, the young man was grateful to merely be a part of the family. He asked them for money once to fix the car heater. This was only so his children would not suffer on the six hour trip to visit them. They sent the money and told him that he did not have to pay it back. He was appreciative since the divorce had hurt his finances.
The second time he asked for help -
Once upon a time, a naïve whore asked her pimps to explain why they kept giving her johns since she was really a long-haired seamstress. They threw her in jail.
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife, forgot to feed her
Left her in the pumpkin shell
Her magic window had lots to tell
Peter tries to make amends
In hopes his married tale won’t end
Once there was a little girl who talked with sprites and fairies. She loved them better than anything. Some nasty trolls were jealous. They locked her in the dungeon. She escaped and set out to find her friends.
There once was a chick with a ‘tude
Who fought like hell with a dude
When it was done
She missed the fun
But hated cafeteria food
A girl who looked like a boy (but not quite) started playing poker. She was not old enough to play poker, but she beat everyone at the table. She did not take their money. Instead, she tried to talk to them. She had never watched the Texas Hold ‘Em tournaments on tv to know that poker players don’t talk. They told her the scariest stories. When that did not shut her up, they started smacking her. Hard. They were really bad guys disguised as gentlemen. She stopped talking to them and showed them the finger.
There once was a son of a bloke
Who liked to play lots of jokes
He better know how to take it
Or learn real fast how to fake it
Or she’ll send him up in smoke
They had done the worst they could do to her, and she knew that although there was some true power playing higher up, a lot of it was just stupid mind games. They did not want any more of her canned goods. (Whup Ass Brand) So now that she knew this, since they had embarrassed her more than she could ever be embarrassed again, and she them, she did not see any reason to not have fun in life.