"What's Going On?" For Gates

One had courage,
had compassion,
not to tell me,

but to be my

friend,

and to ask me
how it would be

for the rest,

if I thought

the sun would burn their eyes,
their hides.

The desert is dry,
scorching hellish dry,
not for everyone,

almost not for me, but
I can't not walk.
Not everyone has to walk, but

everyone can choose to

think -

about why the desert exists,

and could there be water if
the line joining hands were long enough,

and how we could grow the grasslands
to stop the desert's spread.

For your part,
your earthly this and that,
safe and secure,
encouraging to detail
as much as possible of the dream,
sealing my window,
but that god is not my god,
that faith, not my faith,
that belief, not mine.
Used the trust,
used the love ,
used it...
Remains the lie,
remains the hurt.
Still love you,
won't let the negative control,
manipulate, regulate,
influence my mind, my heart, my soul,
not this game that life plays.

What We Had...

Pillow Talk (Chris's Song), December 2000


I know it’s time to go to sleep, but I’m not ready yet.
Pull me closer, let’s talk about the night that we first met.
I must have been blind or out of my mind
because I didn’t see
That the answer to my prayers was right in front of me.
Now that we’re together I know everything that I missed,
And my heart became yours forever
the moment that we kissed.
I love the way you talk
and the way you walk just drives me crazy.
But my heart stops every time you call me “baby.”

Sweet, sweet thoughts of you
are always running through my head.
Every morning I wish we could forget the world
and stay in bed.
There’s no place I’d rather be than wherever you are.
I miss you when we’re apart, so don’t ever go too far.
I can do without you till the day comes to an end.
I tell myself that I will soon be in your arms again.
Every time we reunite, I feel like you just saved me,
And I know the world is right when you call me “baby.”

When you shower me with kisses and
caress me with your hands,
I fall madly in love with you over and over again.
I promise to never leave you – I will love you until I die.
Then I will still love you as a spirit in the sky.
No man has ever nor will ever mean so much to my life.
The only thing you can ever do more is
ask me to be your wife.
Whenever you do, please,
don’t be afraid that I’ll say “maybe.”
Just promise me that I will always be your “baby.”

1.

A heart-shaped pocket,
One love, then two,
Took off like a rocket

A handmade token,
With love and glue,
For words unspoken


2.

Happiness without fear,
Wedded bliss,
When did you miss
Heartbroken tears
Shed for lost yet longed for love
as the widowed mourning dove
waits alone upon the wire
singing, crying desolate desire;
Return to a place for the heart to rest,
Mend the windswept, tattered nest.



3.

Uncoerced, unscripted lines
flowed like wine
from innocent, untarnished lips
the sweet honey dripped
onto sensuous, covetous eyes
before there were lies,
before secrets were kept
the heart you held
a spring without source,
without force,
streamed endless devotion.

Eyes belonged to you alone
For you shone,
Unmasked, unveiled, uninhibited
love at your fingertips,
Sacrificed all others
giving all to you, lover,
Accepted the errors, misprints
of your chapters within,
Would the future return
love for the lessons learned,
would the spring rejoin the ocean.


4.

Trepidation, hint of delight,
what bud may bloom in the night?
Perennials will flourish, die,
The annual will spring to life
With time, the roots of love will grow,
and flower as they did before.



5.

Photographs relive a love story,
a fairy tale beginning,
the peasant boy and the girl in ashes
fell in love;
Fairy tale endings
would not be happy without disasters
and evil forces,
Mistakes and underlying fables,
Rites of passage,
Tests of will;
Word of mouth, the written word,
Believe half of seen, none of heard,
The truth is known but to few;
The heroes,
led by their hearts,
sometimes faltering for lack of tangible,
seen, heard proof,
a glass slipper, or less,
are born to their destiny,
borne in their destiny,
find their way,
their own path to destiny,
for the truth does not die.

"To Me" by Chris when we were dating. The note is still in our scrapbook.

You have my hands to hold you
My eyes to look into, to see
My love for you

Another surprise,
musicians frozen in time,
hearts play their own tune
to the background of
water rushing steeply,
curls softly chime in
the blissful breeze
brushing gently,
lovers hold hands,
speak with their spirits.

"Unbound" by Lluvia

Many of the people who wanted to support her were embarrassed by her. One day she seemed to be thinking about the government, the economy, history, and the next day, she was searching for something personal. When she talked openly of her sexuality, her family , her friends were uncomfortable.

The truth came one day, that her spiritual enlightenment had not changed her ability to open her heart, her mind, her soul to others. She had always been an open book, and so she remained. For her to be a different person instead of an improving person would have made her something inhuman.

Inhumanity was a terrifying existence that she had witnessed over and over again throughout her trials and tribulations. So many people were bound by the letters of the rules and regulations that they had forgotten how to feel compassion for others. She had weathered the lack of compassion from all sides, even in her own home.

And during that time, she began to see, hear, and feel changes in some of the people. She read it first, the guilt over how she was being treated. That had given her hope. She began to implore to peoples' conscience, to their reasoning, to their humanity. They answered her.

She saw it in her co-workers, felt their embraces once again. She had challenged them to look inside themselves, and they had bravely done that. Some had apologized, in their own way. Others wanted to, she could tell, but they were afraid. How sad to be afraid of their own knowledge of what is right!

These were the ideas and restrictions she knew were wrong. The word had been used to gain control over these people. In their defense, she knew that most of them had wanted to do what their faith required and had listened to their leaders in blind faith. It is an easy thing to be misled over time. She was not without fault either. Did not want to cause any unjust suffering, but she knew that she had unintentionally hurt her sisters and some of her brothers.

She was not the only person to hit a brick wall in learning. Not the only person to lose her job over it. To suffer injustices. But her learning was unique. The uniqueness brought attention to her and to others whose lives had been negatively altered by the illegal and horrific use of control by means of the word.

Her faults, some events beyond her control for medical reasons, and she did not know what else, had all been spread, played, shown to anyone who wanted to watch or listen. Much of the torture and torment meant to drive her down was on public display. Many had watched, listened through the worst of it. They knew the worst she could ever be. Now they would see her grow.

In the hospital, she had debated whether or not to hide in a cave. But then anyone who thought that no one could rise above or overcome would never know there could be a victory for the fallen. She wanted to show everyone that one could be enlightened and not have a perfect life. Her confusion, her decisions were problems that others also faced. She wanted them to know they were not alone. There was nothing wrong with them if they were not perfect.

Unchanged needs: bills to be paid, friendship, spiritual fulfillment, a full cupboard, sex. Enlightenment did not make those needs disappear. But how hopeful could anyone be by someone who was put down and did not rise up? She was able to get through many difficult times in her life because she knew of others who had gotten through obstacles. If she could make a difference for even one person, then she would do it.

Being enlightened did not change who she was, did not change her problems, but it made her a better person and better able to think through and deal with her problems. A lot of people had no other life to return to, or they had less than they had before they were beaten down. There was another way, confusing and imperfect at times, but there was a way. If people, even her daughter and son knew of her fight, of her path to overcome, then they might be aware of the dangers of simply following the herd, of going along. They had to know that there was a moral trade-off. If she disappeared, did not let them see her as she always had, they might think she sold out. That was never going to happen.

Her heart and soul went out to him and his family. The soldier was a real hero, as were his comrades. As were the POW's she had watched daily during the Iraq invasion under Bush. She knew only a sliver of their fear. Admired them so much more than ever.

What could she or any other American do? Besides pray or send thoughts. Whatever feelings people had on the war on terrorism, she wanted to remember, to encourage others to remember that the men and women in uniform were fighting for the freedoms they all enjoyed, their way of life. War was not a game for them.

For all anyone knew, the soldier was alone among the enemy. Before, she had doubted the power of collective prayers or thoughts. That part of her thinking had changed forever. So she sent her thoughts and prayers now to him, to his family, to his girlfriend and friends.

It was no wonder that she stayed confused. The ones who knew her best thought they knew what was best for her. Had she not always come through the hard stuff? Sometimes she did need help, but not for knowing what she wanted. Or didn't want. Her friend Kenni thought that if she did not search for clues, she would be alright. But the clues were coming at her from every direction. The rest of the world was determined she learn. And she did, but not the way any of them ever thought she would. What she learned...

One of the most unfair aspects was that they interfered with her decision to leave her husband. They did not live with Bill. Had no right to judge her. In retrospect, she realized several of the women had perceived her as a threat. I don't backstab my sisters. Ever. Most of them learned that, but by then it was too late. They had no idea that she had uncovered military and government secrets, business world activities they would never imagine, and the blackmail right over their heads. They could not have saved her if they wanted to. That's why all of them were surprised when her ambulance ride turned into something else. It was not what usually happened to new members. While there, she knew she had to learn fast - and by listening. Listening was the hardest way for her to learn. Most conversations seemed mundane to her, and she was skilled at thinking of other things while someone else was speaking to her. Most of the time.

Sometimes people were impossible to ignore. Like the guest motivational speaker who visited their company not long before she made her break. From the moment the woman began her presentation, she knew this was part of the plan to initiate her. Anger, fear, frustration at her co-workers. How was it all possible that people in all of these different places, even different states, were connected? She could not bear to watch the slide show. Wrote in her notebook instead. Tried not to listen, but she heard most of it. Fighting back the tears was the hardest part, but she was not about to let them see her cry if she could help it.

Her father listened to the phone calls, watched her computer screen from his office. She figured this out by the things he said, the things he wrote. What she could not figure out was how she kept making mistakes. Something she was doing made him irritated, bordering on angry. Wow, he was very good at intimidating her, prepping her for the interrogation. Guess this had been part of his job for god knows how long. She began to notice that he did not like it when she had any communication with Tom. Finally, she asked him was it not okay for her to talk to Tom. He did not answer. She told him, "You know, 23 years is a long time. It just doesn't go away like that." He disappeared out the back door and returned a few minutes later with garden shears. The dog walked past them. "I'm going to neuter him," he said, looking right at her.

No rest among the restless,
No sleep, no peace,
Adapted, it seems, for nought
as the minstrel changes his tune mid-song.
A salmon forever swims against the current
to live naturally,
briefly.

3 Top Ten Lists, July 18, 2009

Things that are funny:

1. Naked pictures.
2. Embarrassing moments.
3. Sex.
4. Someone else getting caught and/or in trouble.
5. Writing whatever fictional stuff I want. What can anyone do? Theirs is, also, yes?
6. Running from the government - into the arms of the government - and then from the government - back into the arms of the government. I crossed state lines 5 times (4 different states). I think that made me a federal outlaw*! Cool!
7. Pranks that don't hurt anyone.
8. Pissing off my former employers.
9. A lot of the people I've met, online and in person.
10. Being chased by planes, motorcycles, and automobiles - and giving them the slip.

*An "outlaw" is not always the bad guy. In my case, I may not have been the good guy, but the bad guys were really bad!



Things that are not funny:

1. Side effects from bad medicine and lack of sleep.
2. Being framed.
3. Being locked up and forced to take bad medicine.
4. Pissing off the government.
5. Pissing off wealthy people.
6. Finding out there are a lot more evil people in the world than I thought there were (not limited to government and wealthy).*
7. Being unemployed.
8. Being abused.
9. Pranks that hurt people.
10. Discrimination against anyone - race, sex, orientation, religion**, enlightenment, etc.

**I have only implied so far, but I have been holding back. Can't give it up all at once, can I?
*Most everyone wealthy or in the government is NOT evil. Only a few. But I don't dare tell you which ones!



Things I can brag about:

1. I pissed off the government and some very wealthy people.
2. I made my former employers look stupid.
3. I escaped prison, physical and mental.
4. I made a lot of people chase me - in planes, motorcycles, and automobiles.
5. I'm unemployed - but I'll work before I draw unemployment at taxpayer expense. Go America!
6. I'm still crazy.
7. I have more friends.
8. I'm still thinking of ways to embarrass my former employers.
9. Some of my naked pictures were actually pretty good.
10. I'm still here.

She felt like a virgin. Bill and she had sex when she came home, but Bill had always had trouble maintaining eye contact. The deeper spiritual connection she craved was lacking. Though she seemed "loose" to some who only knew about the pictures that she never meant to be public, she was, in reality, extremely selective about who she slept with. Since she first communicated with anyone online, she had received several offers but accepted none. In ten years, she had been with only Bill, until she and Tom hooked back up a few months ago.

The time they spent together relaxed her. She never had to work hard at all communicating with him. And she trusted him with her life. Tom must have thought that his persuasive abilities led her to be with him. He could not have been more wrong. Her love for him had hardly waned over the years, in some ways growing deeper. The belief that a love lasting as long as theirs was meant to be, that is what moved her. Mistaken. The love flowed in one direction. Sure, he cared, but not like she had.

Bill did drive four hours round trip to see her for a single hour five days in a row, and he drove again a sixth day, her seventh, to carry her home. His commitment went up and down like a roller coaster, but she still hoped things would be different. Nothing was at first. Then she thought she might meet Fred for lunch. Knowing this drove Bill crazy with jealousy, and he did make some changes, tried to show her more affection. His inability, or fear, to make a spiritual connection while they were intimate was a problem that she was not getting over though. She wanted to be, in a sexual way, with someone whose eyes knew what she now knew.

Some years before, she had been in a relationship with Kurt, a computer tech guy. Kind of nerdy, but sweet. What had attracted her to him was the 'good guy' inside, the one he tried to hide from everyone, covered it with his macho facade. The tough guy image she overlooked was the side of him that made her decide to break things off - and he fooled around a lot. But when they were together, they were the only beings on the planet. He had asked her to have blind faith in him. She knew better. But their spiritual connection had been very strong, despite the fact she was in the dark.

Before her experience, her new awareness, she attributed her ability to connect with others to something within herself that she did not know how to explain. That ability had been the underlying factor in her quest for a spiritual partner. Bill was spiritually interested in her in the beginning, but he could not bring that spirituality to the bedroom. She was certain that he was interested in her now, but for some reason, he was having trouble with fully committing himself to her, and not just in bed. He was not completely committed to protecting her either. His lack of commitment was an emptiness inside her.

To be with someone who would open up, share spiritual space with her, was something that she had never had. She had come close to that, but could not completely connect as she had been unable for her lack of awareness. Until that happened, she would, in her mind, remain a virgin. There was no hurry, though, for her to rush to lose her new found state. She rather liked the feeling that she had something now that no one had ever seen, had ever known, and no one could take it from her. She felt something she hadn't felt in a very long time. She felt special.

Waterfall sunset
cascades through slats,
spills onto the walls, floorboards;
the long embrace slips quietly
into dusky mauves, goldens, violets.

First Attempt At Watercolor

Wow. Not everyone here hates me, she was shocked that these men in the restaurant treated her with courtesy she hadn't received in months. They looked like salesmen, or businessmen, like they could have worked for her former employers. She didn't recognize them. With the economy, though, it was getting harder to find jobs with good pay and benefits. Positive attitudes could spread throughout the business world, but so could negative attitudes. She might have gotten enough information out that others were starting to think.

Just guessing, I'd assume they know people who were still ticked at all the money and perks the old ceo was given and at how the new ceo was sneaked in without a proper vote. I wonder if there will be new board members when it's time to vote again. That is not too far away. Hmm.

She jumped when the doorbell rang. Good grief! She thought about how sometimes people took revenge around here. Less than a year ago, a man bombed his attorney's office. A year or two before that incident, someone shot a sleeping woman in the head. Didn't the papers say she was staying at her father's house and that someone was most likely trying to kill him, not her?

Blocking out images of redneck mobsters, she peered through the peeky hole. Those guys in brown always have sexy legs. She smiled.

The third guy who thought he had bagged her, he had also seemed hurt, or at least offended, when she turned him down. It was probably embarrassing that everyone at work was talking about it, emailing it to one another and to sister buildings. Probably to their friends away from work, too. She never meant for that to happen. The whole thing was still confusing and outrageous then, and she was unintentionally 'playing the game.' Trying different things to find out what would happen next.

Some of them thought I knew. Maybe. But then, I did know, only I didn't. I still thought they were kidding about the sex. Her first sound notion that the sex stuff was real came from connecting some dots: the stuff she read, the conversations - meant for her to hear - in the breakroom, and seeing the pictures and grafitti. But one event in particular brought her around to third looking to steal home.

One morning, a younger fellow, the nephew of one of her mentors, brought his uncle some lunch. Right before she entered the break room, Number 3 gave her the 'heads up.' The concerned look on her mentor's face, the conversations, everything hit her. This is not happening, she told herself. She steered clear of her co-workers for the rest of the day.

That evening, online, she emailed the ones she knew were directing this operation, and she posted a memo for everyone else to read. "Don't send me any boys." Even if this were real, and she was starting to believe it was - who knew why? - she did not want to do this. This whole experience was crazy. Back then, she thought her co-workers were crazy. Thinking back, she thinks that maybe they thought the same thing about her.

Most of them knew that I didn't know, because some of them worked very hard to teach me. Some of them had laughed and made fun of me for driving and walking all over the place trying to find 'my guy.' I don't blame them for that so much. When I found him, I didn't know how I was going to kick his ass, but I wanted to. And I knew it was more than one. That was kind of funny, ha! But the job part was definitely not funny. Neither was being made those offers when I didn't know why. And I don't even know all of the people that well.

They know so much about me, like how I run around my house naked sometimes. Wow. Some of them made fun of my stomach and my tits. Came up to me at work holding their stomachs, laughing and carrying on. At work. But I don't care about that anymore either. I guess it made them feel better about themselves. They had to know that once I knew my family and friends had seen me naked, knew all the stuff about me, that I didn't give a flip what the rest of the world thought. I even told them that. Duh.

Reckon they figured I'd make like an ostrich and stick my head in the sand. Well, I knew that my bod would still be hangin' out there, ha ha. Doesn't matter. I knew something was going to happen. Read their plans. They still thought I couldn't read. I thought my father could help me. I had so much evidence against them. I knew they didn't know about him. I had to make it down there.

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